Tuesday, 18 August 2009

In your face, Goodkind!

I must say that Entertainment Weekly's review of Terry Goodkind's 'mainstream thriller' The Law of Nines brought a wry smile to my face.

How dare you give I, Ming the Merciless, a B minus?!

"If it takes a while for Alex — and the reader — to understand what's going on, it's because the writing is blocky and strained, especially during the high-octane scenes of carnage that occur every few pages. (Alex, an artist by trade, quickly morphs into an efficient killing machine.) Despite the rollicking plot, Goodkind just doesn't seem nearly as comfortable in the straight-thriller vein as he does with fantasy."

Hear that, Tairy? The reviewer said you write fantasy. Now you're going to have to get - what's the phrase? - medieval on his ass. Here's a tip - if you want the guy to suffer, tie him to a chair and read him the longest 'holier-than-thou' speech that you can find in any of your books. It might take you some time though, as there are plenty of them in there. I'd help you if I could, but I burned my first three Sword of Truth novels, and used the other one as emergency toilet paper.

No, hold on Tairy - there's more!

"So has Goodkind managed to hook all those nonfantasy readers for a sequel that looks sure to come? That's the million-dollar question. From all indications, it looks like it will take place on Goodkind's home turf, the purely imagined world of another planet."

Hear that, Tairy? HEAR THAT?! Home turf. You're one of us whether you like it or not. Don't worry, we don't bite - as long as you don't insult us by saying that anyone that doesn't like your work is a negative person intent only on destroying things. Oh, wait...

7 comments:

OnlyTheBestSciFi/Fantasy said...

Rofl. Read the review a couple days ago but I guess I didn't put it in the same framework. I am going to go see the dude at a signing this week. Want me to ask him what he thinks of the review? Haha...

S.M.D. said...

I must have missed something. What's with the Goodkind hate? Do you just not like his books or is he one of those that refuses to say he writes genre?

Just want clarification so I can get the joke being had here...

James said...

Nah, just tell him he's your favourite fantasy author and watch his blood boil...

S.M.D - You have indeed missed something! Where to start, where to start... In short, Goodkind is infamous for his huge ego, his insistence that what he writes transcends the genre, and for basically being rather insulting to people who don't like his work, especially former fans who woke up to the fact that his books suck donkey balls.

Check out this thread for a few examples of classic Tairy quotes.

Adam Whitehead said...

Goodkind is basically a mentalist who comes out with some amazing quotes (Ayn Rand is his favourite 'living' author, Canada is an evil fascist state, you shouldn't rescue drowning people as they're drowning state is a just reflection of their own failures or something), claims he doesn't write fantasy despite his books being set in an alternate world and featuring dragons, and then made a massive hoo-har about how he was leaving fantasy to write thrillers, only to turn out just another fantasy novel instead (with magic swords, cross-dimensional travel and so on, except it all happens in Nebraska).

That is leaving out the Evil Chicken, the man who can engage in swordfighting after his spine has been torn out and the fact that a goat saves the day in one of his books. And the repetitive almost-rapes of his main female character, or the 100-page BDSM torture sequence.

He's basically an absolutely brilliant comic goldmine, and the fact that some people out there somehow take his work seriously and claim he's writing 'real literature' just makes it all the funnier.

James said...

Thanks Wert, that was a much better summary than I could have given. The evil chicken thing is probably the most retarded thing I've ever seen in fantasy...

S.M.D. said...

Yeah, because his work is so original. I've not read the books, but watched the TV show, and he can sit there and say his work transcends the genre all he wants, but the reality is that he writes cliche epic fantasy like everyone else. The only difference is that other folks in the genre don't pretend that they don't...or something like that.

Yeah, now I don't like Goodkind. I knew there was a reason why I shouldn't read his books...

James said...

One of the most amusing things is that Goodkind - back when he was happy to admit to writing fantasy -seems to think that he reinvented the genre...by writing a book involving wizards and dragons and an evil god that was trying to break free of its prison. Yeah, good one.